“It was a pleasure to meet you …”
“It was a very difficult decision, but …”
“Best of luck in your search …”
Those are the responses I’ve gotten, if I’ve gotten one at all.
Tuesday, I got a call from a place I’d previously applied for a different job. They had a position open that would be more in line with my skills and wanted to set up an interview. I agreed, and then I searched online for the new position, but couldn’t find it posted. That made me think that I was golden, that they definitely wanted me and all I had to do was ace the interview, right? I do think the interview (on Thursday) went well. But this morning, I found the job posted and it had been up for two days… or since Thursday. And that made me think that they did want me but that I blew the interview. My brain tells me that they were probably going to post it anyway and that I just got a leg up on the process but my confidence is just wrecked.
Having a negative attitude will ruin my chances at any job, but it is so hard to stay positive all the time when my bank account is shrinking along with job prospects. Part of the reason I came here in the first place was to help MMB but I haven’t been able to do that in the way I would like. I feel like a freeloader, a mooch, a pain in the ass deadbeat relative.
I haven’t wanted to write anything about it because I don’t want to start a cycle of negativity by complaining. Staying silent about it, though, hasn’t changed the way I feel. It is always lurking there, just waiting for a chance to reach out and slap me in the face. The more rejections I get, the harder it is to keep trying. And yet, I don’t really have the option to give up.
If I had known it would be this hard to find a job, I never would have moved here. If I extrapolate that out, I wouldn’t have reconnected with my sisters, either. I wouldn’t get to live in a place that is so beautiful it frequently takes my breath away. I wouldn’t have large chunks of time – months, actually – where I was genuinely happy, despite the job issue.
I don’t know what the answer is, but it probably involves walking in the sunshine (it’s cold, but the sun is out!) and doubling my dose of St John’s Wort. My brain knows the job will happen. Just writing this out has made me feel better. I won’t give up. I will prevail, sooner or later. Probably.
Thanks for reading.