Remember that trip I took to New Mexico for the writing workshop? Seems like it’s only been a week or two since I’ve been back, but it’s been 6 months. I put my pen down, closed my notebook and never looked at it again.
But I thought about it. I thought about writing what I was feeling and experiencing, but the feelings and experiences seemed more important to feel and experience than to write down in a notebook that no one would ever see. The question I was answering was this: If you experience something and tell no one and never write about it … did you actually experience it? The answer is a definitive maybe.
Doors have opened for me, work-wise. That same door is closing now and I seem to be on the wrong side of it. That’s a fancy way of saying that I have to return to my old department in two weeks. The sage in me says everything always works out for me. The cynic says nothing works out and I’m probably going to get fired and be homeless by autumn. I choose to listen to the sage. What I know is: I found a home in that new department. Moving there helped me in several ways – as an employee and as a human being. It connected me to the world again – and I hadn’t realized I was so disconnected. So … in two weeks I go back to a world I didn’t realize I hated until I left it. Will I hate it again? Probably. But I also firmly believe that I will find my way back to this other department and that it won’t take very long for that to happen. Because everything is always working out for me.
In the last six months, I’ve learned to let people be wrong. It really doesn’t matter, does it? I’ve also learned to let people be right, without mentioning that I was also right. That really doesn’t matter either, does it? I had an interesting conversation with a blog/Facebook friend about communication. Turns out, I’m kind of bad at it. Turns out that what I think and what I feel aren’t always the same things. It also turns out that it isn’t always important that people know what I think or how I feel. It goes back to letting people be right – or wrong. Either way, sometimes keeping the peace is more important than psychoanalyzing the participants. That last part? That’s difficult for me. But I’m learning it and I’ve been much happier since I started practicing keeping my mouth shut.
I’ve been reading a LOT about spirituality and other metaphysical tree-huggery bullshit. In fact, I read so much and listened to/watched so many videos that I finally pulled the plug on myself. I’m letting it all soak in, but I think for me the bottom line is always: What do I need to do to keep myself peaceful? Turns out, I’d rather be peaceful than right. Although I can be (and, let’s face it, I usually am) both.
The most important and most useful tool I’ve picked up is letting people be wrong about me. That was always the point where a face would meet my metaphysical fist. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let people assume I am stupid and I couldn’t let them assume things about my life. Then it clicked. If I can walk away from people I find toxic, if I can do what I believe is right when everyone – including the people I am closest to – thinks I am wrong, then I can let someone make assumptions about me. It breaks down this way for me: If they don’t know me well enough to know what I’m all about, then they have to make assumptions. Why should I care if those assumptions are incorrect? It in no way affects my life and it certainly doesn’t change the way I think about myself.
So that’s where I’m at and where I’ve been all this time. Don’t say you’ve missed me. We’ve been here together the entire time.
(skip ahead to the 1:14 mark if you’re bored easily)