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Did you ever hear “Do what I say, not what I do” when you were growing up? I did, once or twice. Mostly it applied to things like smoking, eating cauliflower and not saying “fuck” in front of Mrs. Gibson. I still don’t eat cauliflower. (And still not smoking. 113 days)
So when I talk about things like attitude and optimism and you roll your eyes and remind me of stories like this – I can’t blame you. In fact, I have a new confession.

What you are about to read is the true story of how I got what I wanted – twice, but not in a row – with no hassle. If I could do this consistently, I would rule the world.

I went to Petsmart because I needed some cat gear. As I approached the check-out lanes, I noticed four employees standing around chatting. When I got close enough, they didn’t stop talking, so I said, “I’m going to register 1, who’s gonna meet me there?” They all laughed and I checked out and left with everyone happy and smiling.

Then I went next door to Wal-Mart and that’s where things went sideways. I stocked up on household staples, but I also bought a vacuum and a yard trimmer/edger. Both items came in large and/or awkward boxes. And so I got stopped at the door. I know it will happen. I know why it happens. It infuriates me every time. Approximately 25 minutes after my pleasant Petsmart encounter, this happened:

Greeter: Excuse me, I need to check your receipt.
Me: Everything I stole is down my pants.
Greeter: … uh …
Me: Really, it’s down my pants. You want to check?
Greeter: … uh … no … um … that’s not … uh … necessary.
Me: Then what’s the point?

That was the end of it, but I would like to point out that I was fully prepared for her to say yes and call security. I would have made them go through all their procedures and greatly inconvenienced myself just to prove a point. WTF? Who cares? It’s like I miss banging my head against a brick wall.  It probably gave the employee something to talk about for a while, so maybe I’ve made a small difference.

My phone mysteriously stopped charging. I tried different outlets and different chargers, but nothing worked. I thought it was the battery, so I went to Radio Shack to buy a new one. I pulled into the parking lot and a nerdy, hippie dude is sitting outside the door. As I got out of the car, Nerdy jumped up to open the door. I smiled and said, “I’m sorry to make you work – it’s a gorgeous day. But you’re going to be glad you did, because you’re gonna feel like a hero. You can save a life today.” And he laughed. I bought an external battery charger and he gave me a 5% student discount because we’re all students of life. And that made me laugh. Turns out the problem is the charger port on the phone, not the battery. Now I’m debating fixing it or getting a new phone. Stay tuned …

I’m getting happier again and adding things in to my routine that make me feel good. I just need to steer clear of Wal-Mart – at least when I’m making large purchases that won’t fit in a bag. Because if just start raging hell* at poor bystanders, chances are good I’m standing in a Wal-Mart.

*Raging hell. I like that. I like that so much I’m going to make it the title of this post.