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David: Do you want to buy cookie dough to help girls volleyball
Me: No, thanks. I’ll just end up eating all the cookies
David: Take them to work
Me: And eat them. Have you met me?

Me: OJ+banana+plain yogurt+strawberries=OMG fantastic smoothie!
The Infamous John Flynn*: Grants scotch, ice, splash of water….swirl in glass…very smooth..
Me: I’m a Crown Royal girl. Scotch is too… um … scotchy
The Infamous John Flynn: Man up! … so to speak πŸ™‚
Me: I drink Crown Royal neat. How much more of a man do I have to be???
The Infamous John Flynn: You win …
Me: Thought so πŸ™‚

Me (Facebook status): My face is weird. Not sure if it has to do with the two wasps I did an incredibly acrobatic break-dance with in the back yard, although I think I would know if one of them stung me, or the fact that I spilled gas on the mower, wiped it off with a paper towel, didn’t go back inside to wash my hands and 10 minutes later tried to rub my eye but scratched the hell out of it instead.
(Introducing my friend) Julie: Dancing with wasps? I prefer Catholics

Me (Facebook status): Playing Candy Crush is like having a one night stand. You do it one time and then everyone talks about it and expects you to do it again because suddenly you’re a slut. Only with candy.
(No one had a smart retort for that, but I’m sharing it here because it was damn funny)

Leslie: Went for a walk
Me: Too drunk to walk, gonna have to drive πŸ˜€
Leslie: Oh Dear God. At least you wouldn’t hurt anyone. Old lady driver.**
Me: Asshole!
Leslie: Mwah!

Me: Are you in Columbia?
Leslie: No, I missed you too much
Me: Awww. Suck up.
Leslie: I’m hurt you would think I have ulterior motives
Me: Yeah, but you DO, don’t you? And who taught you that word? Have you been cheating on me with a dictionary?

(a little later)
Me: I’m cold. Cold and sleepy.
Leslie: Get mad at someone. You’ll be wide awake and hot under the collar. Problem solved.
Me: Well played (applause)

*The Infamous John Flynn was a friend of MoC’s. Well, wait, that tense is confusing. He’s not dead. At least, I don’t think so. Anyway, he is wickedly funny and deserves to be spotlighted here, where all 7 of my readers can be entertained by him as well.

** This is completely true. The old lady driver part, not that I was driving drunk. I was drunk texting from my recliner.