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Let me just admit something right up front. I know I am being unreasonable, but I have never let that stop me before so why start now? Leslie used the word menopause the other day. The doctors are optimistic that she will walk again.

I have about 25 flaming torches in the air at the moment and shit is starting to catch fire. One of the things I am trying to do is find a new place to crash. I have time, it isn’t like I’m being evicted, but it is a tiresome process and I am not a patient woman. Yesterday I called about a really cool apartment that I wanted to look at.

Me: Hi, I was calling about the apartment you had listed. I was wondering if you had a 2 bedroom coming available in the next month or so.

Apt Manager: I have a one bedroom available April 2nd.

Because ‘the next month or so’ sounds like 6 days, but it’s spelled differently. And ‘two bedrooms’ sounds like ‘one bedroom’ only it’s twice as many.

Me: I was looking for a two bedroom on the ground floor. Do you allow pets?

Apt Manager: I have a one bedroom on the ground floor but it’s got new carpet and we don’t put pets on new carpet. I’ll have to check if the other one bedroom has new carpet or not, that tenant has been there about 5 years but she’s leaving at the end of the month.

Once again, two bedrooms, sweetheart. And one month is not six days. I couldn’t resist this, though.

Me: You don’t replace the carpet every year?

Apt Manager: Of course not, that’s expensive.

Me: It’s probably also unsanitary. Thanks for your help!

Jesus. I drove by the place anyway. Things sure have changed. It’s Section 8 now. Yay.

But then I found a duplex that was not far from work and in a decent neighborhood. I made an appointment to see it today at 3:30. She called me at 3:20 to see if I was still interested. I said yes and that I would be there in 10 minutes. I arrived 10 minutes later and knocked on the door. No answer. I waited. I waited some more. I found a church pamphlet in the door that told me how Jesus would make my life better. And indeed, he did. I found a pen and wrote: I WAS HERE. YOU WERE NOT.  Then I put the note on the door and got back in the car.

And that’s when I saw a better duplex just down the street. I wrote down the number and am waiting for a call back. Thank God (see? It’s still working. JESUS SAVES!) it is not with the same realtor.

But you wanted to know why I’ve sworn off women, didn’t you? Read on, grasshopper.

Remember Breakfast Girl? She is funny, smart, cute and very, very kind. That’s the word that pops into my head when I think of her: kind. It’s not a bad thing. In fact, given my history, it is one of the main things that attracted me to her. She is also cautious and shy and it took almost two months to get her off email and across the breakfast table from me.

We met a few times, hung out, talked, laughed but there was always something that didn’t quite gel. I finally asked her exactly what we were doing and she said she didn’t really know but she wanted to hang out (her words) and see where it went. And so I tried. I really did. I tried because I liked her and I wanted to know her, even though we are nearly total opposites.

In all this time, we have spoken on the phone exactly once and that was because I called to tell her I got lost and would be a few minutes late one evening. All of our conversations have been via email, with a few texts here and there. I was beginning to think she just wasn’t into me and didn’t know how to tell me. (Hint: You say, “I just want to be friends.” You don’t leave it open and hope the other person gets it eventually).

Today I texted her just to say hi. Jokingly I asked her if she wanted to play hooky because it was a gorgeous day and her response was that she was in California. What?

Now, I certainly don’t have any hold on her. She doesn’t have to check in with me. But I was going to ask her for a real date this weekend so when she told me she wasn’t even in town I was a bit floored. If I were hanging out with someone, wanting to see where it went and I was halfway interested in her, I would have said something like, “Hey I’m going out of town for a few days but I hope we can get together when I get back.”

And that’s the exact moment that I knew she is two things:  very kind and not into me at all.

I miss romance. I miss the excitement and the anticipation of being with someone who has the possibility of something long-term. I miss holding hands. I miss curling up on the couch, watching television or reading a book. I miss staying up all night talking because we never run out of things to say. I miss the intimacy of truly knowing another soul.

Okay, fine. I miss sex, damn it. I think I miss it. I don’t really remember how that goes.

I’m cool with it. I really am. I know she wasn’t “the one.” But I have to say that I am very disappointed because I liked her. I wanted to spend time with her. It’s just that I am old enough and have been through enough that I finally understand that I deserve better. I deserve someone who wants me as much as I want her. I deserve better than second-string – a place holder until someone more interesting comes along.

There is a lot going on in my head right now and 99% of it hasn’t made it to these pages. This feels like one more step in the right direction and so I am happy that I was able to stand up for myself and know that it was okay to do that. Nobody died and the world didn’t end.

She told me we could catch up when she got back, but she neglected to tell me when that would be. So I told her I was busy that day.

Because I will be.