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David texted me and asked if I was going to the hospital. I said yes because I thought he meant the nursing home (the hospital has the same name) and we had a meeting scheduled. So he texted back and said that the hospital had called and asked him for permission to treat MoC.


That only happens if she is unable to respond on her own.

So I raced up there and found MoC in the ER under a pile of blankets, shivering.

The doctor came in and explained that MoC has fluid on her lungs (which is a nice way of saying pneumonia without freaking out the family) and that her carbon dioxide level was (again) way too high and he wanted to put her on the Bi-Pap machine again. The same Bi-Pap machine that the pulmonary doctor told us two weeks ago was no longer beneficial to her. The same Bi-Pap machine that MoC told us she didn’t want to do anymore.

So I said no. Then he asked MoC, who also said no. He asked her again and she said no again.

I went outside to call my brother because there was just no way I could make that decision on my own, even knowing that’s what she wants. He told me to do it anyway. When I went back inside, the nurse told me they had asked her again and she said yes. Back in the room, the doctor told her she could stop breathing if she didn’t go on the Bi-Pap and she said yes again.

I am completely undone by this. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think. I am afraid to unlock my feelings even the tiniest bit.

All I can think is that if that doctor hadn’t been so persistent, I would not have put her on that machine. I would have fought with my brother to keep her off of it and I would have won  because I honestly thought that’s what MoC wanted.

I have no words for how that makes me feel.