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I am seeing rows and columns of little boxes with numbers in them. I am figuring out where the hell my money is going and making a budget so maybe when my car breaks down, I can fix it without starving for two weeks. I am tired of being broke and my “discretionary” spending is out of control. Discretionary, my ass. It’s not like I have a closet full of new clothes and shoes to show for it. Hell, I don’t even have a liquor cabinet full of Absolut. Feel free to donate (Raspberri and Citron, please).  My head hurts.

I have Tom Cochrane’s Life is a Highway on a loop on my MP3. It makes me feel better. I am not on the highway. I’ve skidded off into a ditch and I’ve been stuck here for the last 3 months. Since no one came along with a tow truck, I’ll have to push myself out. It starts with the budget.

It continues with a thorough cleaning of this apartment. It looks like Irene hit it – except I’m land-locked. For the last year, I’ve been focused on work, school and my mother, although not always in that order. Everything else fell by the wayside. Which is understandable, but what you also have to understand is that I am very much a child of my environment. When my mind is elsewhere and my place gets wrecked, it makes it even harder to get out of the mental and emotional rut.

One of the “rules” of the life-enrichment class I begin on Monday is that I can’t reprint stuff here, unless it’s my own. However, I don’t think it’s against the rules to talk about the themes for each week. The first week is Introspection, with writing prompts about what makes me Patricia. The second week is Visualization, which is about visualizing what I want my future to look like. Third is Implementation and the fourth week is Imagination. Sounds cool, doesn’t it? I don’t  know what to expect, but that’s okay. I think that’s the point of the whole thing. So that’s my next step.

For once, I’m not working today and I am not working on Monday (I worked the 4th of July, so that was not entirely out of the realm of possibility for Labor Day). I have three days to recharge and reset my thermostat.

I don’t have a dime until my next payday. That’s a lie. I have $16, so technically I have 160 dimes. But all my bills are paid and there is gas in my car and food in my refrigerator. This is the last time I will do this to myself. There is simply no excuse for it. Looks like I’ll be quitting smoking – AGAIN – this weekend, too. I am thoroughly disgusted because this happened simply because I was careless, because my mind was on other things – things I can’t even change.

So my life isn’t going the way I envisioned it five years ago. So what? Yesterday I jokingly told someone to stop being ungrateful, to take what life OFFERS and build on it. It was a teasing, sarcastic comment, but …

Maybe I should listen to myself, eh?

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