An earthquake, or volcano, or tornado, or maybe a hurricane, happened in my head this month. All I know is it was noisy and kind of messy. Sorry about that.
The issues with my mom, the drama with Mrs Married, work, overtime, finances, more family issues, my dark and troubled past, all came to a rollicking boil. It gave me a lot to think about – too much, actually, believe it or not, since thinking seems to be my avocation – and I mentally threw in the towel. I know. But I did. I just … stopped. I had no idea how to move forward, no idea how to process everything that happened.
For the most part, I’ve been happier in the last two years than I have been in the last thirty. But that part of me that wasn’t happy, that couldn’t find peace and could not rest, kept getting louder and louder, even if it didn’t actually grow.
I felt trapped. I spent five years chasing a degree that is useless to me now. MoC’s situation is getting to the point where, very soon, I’m going to have to consider moving in with her. I’m working at a job that I don’t like because the benefits are out of this world. I have a car that is falling apart that I can’t afford to replace. I found someone I truly loved – and managed to screw it up. I lost my faith in God. Always before, I could write my thoughts, or work on a story, or a even just chat online and the words, the process, healed me.
Not so much this time. The words wouldn’t come out and when they did, they were edged with a bitterness I didn’t even know I felt. I could find no hope within that process.
I have a blog list that I don’t even look at anymore. But last night I clicked on a random link and I found this post. And it seemed as if the project was created with me in mind. I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe that we find the things we need, the tools we need, when we need them. The project is a 5 week guided course on finding and creating your own “beautifully different” life, for whatever that means for each individual. Check out the link – if nothing else, her blog is full of beautiful pictures, beautiful people and beautiful ideas.
It’s a step in the right direction.
It’s a start.
I just needed a nudge.
For the first time in a long time, I am excited to see what I will discover.