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Remember after MoC had the strokes and she kept thinking the nursing home moved her to another room at night? Or after she was home and she woke up and thought she was in a different house? She is back in the nursing home temporarily after the last COPD episode, which still freaks me out every time I think about it. A couple weeks ago, she said she had another room-moving dream. The other day, she told me it happened again.

Me: Where’d you go this time, Albuquerque?

MoC: Funny.

(Yes, I thought so, too)

MoC: I got up because I had to go to the bathroom and my gown was all twisted and the top ties were undone and I couldn’t tie them again, so the gown sort of fell off. I walked to the door trying to get someone’s attention, but no one was there so I walked out into the hallway. I was halfway to the nurses station before anyone saw me and of course they rushed to cover me up and hustled me right back in here.

Me: Are you sure you’re not dreaming? You walked to the door without your walker?

MoC: Well, I walked slowly.

Me: It’s just a dream.

MoC: But it was so real. It caused quite a commotion.

Me: I bet. And no one said anything to you today?

MoC: No.

We just kind of looked at each other for a minute.

Me: After what happened with the hole in the floor story, I am not about to ask the nurse.

MoC: Nooo. Me, either.

(Keep going. The pea story is after the jump)

Last week, I had a bottle of water with me. That plastic ring thing that is sealed to the cap? I took it off the bottle and tossed it at MoC.

Me: Look, I got you a present!

So MoC put it on her finger. It was a big water bottle and so it was a big ring. She had to curl her fingers up to keep it on. The next day, she still had it on, which I thought was really sweet. (I know, it’s stupid. But it really made me laugh and want to hug the stuffing out of her).

The day after that, though, she didn’t have the ring.

Me: What happened? I put a lot of thought and effort into that gift, you know.

MoC: I’m sorry. I lost it in the toilet.

Me: What? MoC, seriously, why couldn’t you just lie? You could have said anything. You lost it in therapy, you lost it in the hallway. Anything!

MoC: Well, I didn’t want to lie. And I certainly wasn’t going to fish it out of the toilet.

Me: GAH!!  You do this just to make me scream, don’t you?

MoC just smiled …

Last night I found her in the dining room eating shit on a shingle and peas. Which made me think of my dad, who hated it because it gave him flashback to his Army days (that he also hated). Then I remembered him talking about scooping up peas on a knife and rolling them into his mouth. And so I immediately asked MoC if I could roll the peas off the knife into her mouth.

MoC: No, I’m eating them. This is really good.

Me: Looks delicious. Just one pea. Let me see if I can do it.

MoC: Roll it into your own mouth.

Me: But I don’t like peas.

MoC: These peas are good.

Me: How about I use a spoon as a catapult and try to hit your mouth.

MoC:  You’ll hit me in the face with it.

Me: I wouldn’t dare.

MoC: That’s true. Okay, try it.

And she turned toward me and opened her mouth like a baby bird.

Priceless. Truly. Fucking. Priceless.

You should also keep in mind that this is a dining room, with lots of other patients in the room and four other women at the table. Who were all watching us.

I got my pea on the spoon and lined it up and just as I was ready to let it go, MoC flinched.

MoC: You didn’t do it.

Me: You flinched. You don’t trust me.

MoC: Should I?

Me: Probably not.

Me: Oh, by the way, I was trying to get online and pay your bills but … what was the name of the first place you worked?

MoC (giving me a look because she knows what’s coming): Kresge’s

Me: How do you spell it?

MoC: K-r-e-s-g-e   What did you do?

Me: I spelled it wrong, that’s all. And I locked myself out of your account.

MoC: Again??

Me: Well, I changed a setting on my computer and … why are you looking at me like that? I just have to call the bank and get it reset. It’s not like they charge you every time I lock it up.

MoC: Good thing. Because I’d be broke.


I should have hit her with the pea.