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I’ve been on mandatory overtime for the last 9 months, which for me means Saturdays because I can’t get it done during the week. My job can be complicated but it isn’t really hard and Saturdays are usually pretty easy, so I get bored. And when I get bored, I torment Leslie via modern technology.

Me: Give me a nap or give me death. Never mind. Just kill me now. Please.

Leslie: Killing you wouldn’t be any fun. Your suffering is much more amusing.

Me: This is why you can’t get laid, in case you wondered.

Leslie: Well, damn. I’m doomed.

Me: Try being nice.

Leslie: Nah, I’ll hold out for someone as warped as I am.

Me: A little mercy killing might improve your sex appeal.

Leslie: I’ll take my chances … muwahahahahaha

Me: You’re gonna die alone.

Leslie: Nah, that’s why I keep you around.

Me: Oh.

And all this time, I thought she loved me for my wit and charm. I feel so used.

Maybe Unconscious Mutterings will ease the pain of the abuse I’ve endured for the last forty years. Or not. Put your answers in the comments and let’s see how warped you are. Leslie needs a date.

  1. Nag ::
  2. Smug ::
  3. Barry ::
  4. Righteous ::
  5. Hairstylist ::
  6. Vibrate ::
  7. Deal ::
  8. Communicate ::
  9. Telling ::
  10. Andrew ::

  1. Nag :: I can’t hear you.
  2. Smug :: Prius owners
  3. Barry :: White
  4. Righteous :: Brothers
  5. Hairstylist :: I miss you, Ron
  6. Vibrate :: Er, never mind. đŸ˜³
  7. Deal :: the cards
  8. Communicate :: relate
  9. Telling :: tales
  10. Andrew :: “Stonewall” Jackson