After all the craziness of the weekend, I finally had some time last night to chill and watch mindless television for a while. For about an hour, to be exact. Then the power went out.
Remember this post, when I talked about not having faith anymore? I’m still in that boat, but last night we had a fabulous thunderstorm and it was all I could do not to run outside and stand in the rain. Storms soothe me like nothing else can. I don’t know what it is, but when it rains, it is as if my brain magically shuts off.
Instead of going outside and getting soaked, I sat on my loveseat in the dark and watched the lightning out the window. In that hour, or maybe it was two because time seems to expand in the dark, I let my mind empty itself completely. That never happens!
When I woke up this morning, I was still calm and peaceful. Only two things changed between the time I went to sleep and the time I woke up. 1) The power came back on and 2) I knew what I had to do regarding two separate situations.
The first situation involves letting everyone, including MoC, draw certain conclusions without my input. I have said all I intend to say on the subject and probably no one will find out how I intend to rectify the problem. I will know – and that’s all that counts.
The second situation has to do with undesirables (hi there) continuing to lurk on my blog. I was considering taking it private, but invitees need to have a WordPress account and that’s a big hassle. I will probably still password a post here and there, but I will not censor myself anymore. What’s the worst that can happen, someone won’t like me anymore? Um, I think I already burned that bridge. This blog has done for me what even a thousand thunderstorms could never do – it has allowed me to find my own voice and a place in the world where I feel I belong.
Something shifted in me last night while I slept. The stress and worry and fear that I’ve been carrying for so long is just … gone. Maybe it will all come back – in fact, I’m sure it will at some point.
For right now, though, I am exactly where I want to be.