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Dear Future Ex-Girlfriend(s):

Some people have said I’m hard to know. That’s probably true because I can be contrary and wildly inconsistent just for the fun of it. So I thought I’d make a list of things that will eventually cause you to want to behead me. I’m all about saving time.

  • I always think I’m right. Let me. It’s easier that way because if I am wrong, I almost always admit it. Sooner or later.
  • If you think those slacks make your ass look fat, don’t ask my opinion. I’m a terrible liar.
  • If you tell me I did something to upset you but don’t tell me why it upset you, I will brood about it for years. I have to know why. I just have to and there will be no peace until I know. (Note: this is actually good because it means when I know why, whatever I said/did is highly unlikely to happen again).
  • I am contrary. Get over it.
  • I am also very forgiving.  The only unforgivable sin is lying to me. Lies of omission count.
  • I accept you, totally and completely. Everyone changes, everyone evolves. If you don’t like me the way I am today, it will probably change next week anyway. If you can’t accept the bad, you don’t deserve the good. Fact.
  • Not everything I say reflects everything I think. Know that. Live it. If you take me at face value, you will eventually be surprised. Or pissed. Probably both.
  • Remember that time I cussed out the driver in front of me? That isn’t anger. That is frustration stemming from my inability to control my immediate environment. I know this is an impossible goal, but it is one of my personality quirks that has yet to evolve.  It passes quickly and you should let it.
  • If you need something from me that I haven’t offered, ask for it. I will happily give it but don’t expect me to read your mind. I’m not magic and just because I don’t automatically know what you want doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.
  • I can’t sing. I do it anyway.
  • If you can’t communicate with me, we are over before we started. You don’t have to open a vein and bleed emotions all over my favorite t-shirt. You don’t have to be especially articulate, but you do have to try. If you are unwilling or unable to do that much, we are on different paths in life and those paths shouldn’t cross.
  • When I go to another room with a book or my laptop, that’s your signal to go do your own thing. I need time to myself. It’s not a reflection on your company. If you consistently refuse to give me time alone, I will take it. And most likely I will take it in another house with locks that your key doesn’t fit.

That’s not really such a hard list, is it?