The last time Leslie kidnapped me, she poured me out of her car at 3am. This time, she hid my purse, fed me Brats and Absolut and I woke up at 7:30am. God. damn.
MoC has decided she no longer wants/needs someone there at night – which means my brother and I are trading off fixing her dinner and making sure she gets a snack in the evening so she doesn’t have a sugar crash in the night. It also means my anxiety level is off the chart.
So last night, I made dinner for MoC (and by ‘made’ I mean ‘re-heated’), and then went to Leslie’s. I probably should have known better. It was a mellow evening with some of her neighbors and their kids and Leslie’s kid who is now taller than I am (which isn’t hard to achieve). It was nothing special … but it was exactly what I needed.
I’m at a loss here. I need to re-charge and I’m not sure how to do that. I’m working at a job I swore I would never do again and it looks like I’m stuck there for the duration. I have a degree that is absolutely useless at the moment. I’m considering a Master’s program because I don’t know what else to do. My dating life is non-existent, but not for lack of trying. It’s just that I don’t want to date 42 year olds with six grandchildren. Yes, I said 42 years old and six grandchildren.
There was a time when I could go inside myself and find what I needed to keep going. It takes everything I have right now to do what needs to be done with MoC’s situation – I have no reserve, nothing to fall back on. It’s not going to get any easier. I’m not feeling sorry for myself (much) because I know I can do this – I can do whatever I need to do. I’m just so pissed that I have to. I feel like I’m being held hostage by my own life.
So I listen to this song and I cry and then I pick myself up and move forward. Again.