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I’m not hot – I’m cute. Back in the day I was damn cute, but still not the type that men walked into walls for (but some women drove over curbs for me). I’ve been told I’m beautiful, but mostly by men (or women) who were trying to end the evening on a high note.

And now … well, now I’m middle-aged and curvy in all the wrong places. My face is fat. My fat is fat. Apparently, middle-aged fat chicks* are a huge turn-on.

A couple of years ago I was visiting my grandfather and we were sitting in the dining room. I noticed an old man who was staring at me. And staring. And staring. I smiled. He smiled and kept staring. That’s when I realized I was leaning forward talking to my grandfather and I happened to be wearing a low-cut shirt. My boobs were falling out. I sat back in my chair and miraculously, the old man found something else to stare at.  Ick.

Back in the fall, when I was visiting MoC at the rehab center, I was walking down the hall toward an older man in a wheelchair who was talking to one of the staffers. Only he was talking to her and watching me walk toward him. He looked me up and down and I swear to God I had to check to see if I was still wearing clothes. He didn’t take his eyes off me, not even once. I took a shower when I got home. Ick.

Back in the day, when I was not-hot but damn cute (and a size 8), I was on a pay phone at a convenience store. I was facing the parking lot and a woman drove in, staring right at me.  She had a rainbow hanging from her rearview mirror. She watched me from the second she pulled into the lot until she parked her car, which she did by hitting and running up over the curb because she had her head turned to watch me. I laughed. I couldn’t help it. And then she got out of her car and she was 75 if she was a day. She stared at me as she walked to the store and I finally turned my back because … eww.

And then yesterday, I was stopped at a light and a man was crossing the street, coming from my left. He watched me as he s l o w l y walked across the street until he finally passed my car. I’m a little hurt that he didn’t turn around to continue ogling me.

He was only about 50, so at least I’m improving.

*I’m not putting myself down. It’s true, I am middle-aged. It’s also true that I’ve lost 30lbs without trying very hard, so stop yelling at me.