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I’ve been keeping secrets, Internet.

I have a new girlfriend.

Her name is Joy. She’s somewhere around my age, blond, cute, and so hyperactive I could smack her. She’s my mother’s home health aid 5 days a week. I don’t know how my mother has managed not to choke the ever-loving shit out of her. Maybe because her right hand is still weak from the strokes. I have the day off on Friday and I plan on dropping in on MoC. Wearing this t-shirt.

Because it will offend Joy (but not my mother – she’s the one who bought it for me) and because I can be a little passive-aggressive sometimes. You probably hadn’t noticed.

Joy leaves me love notes almost every day. It started because she spent a shocking amount of money on groceries in one month – and I do mean shocking. I went through the receipts and immediately noticed a way she could have saved my mother over $40 on one trip. I was ready to take her to task about the rest of the bill, but MoC wouldn’t let me. Apparently she took care of it herself because the last few receipts have been reasonable. I think MoC doesn’t trust that I can be diplomatic. I don’t know why.

Joy,
Please don’t buy paper products – paper towels, toilet paper, Kleenex, paper plates, or napkins – or any cleaning products at the grocery store. If you’ll leave me a list, I will happily pick up anything you need at Walmart.
Thanks!
Cap

The next day, I got this:
Cap,
I noticed your mother was out of almost everything, so I thought I would just get it at the store and save you a trip. I know your (sic) busy. I won’t do it again. Also, your mom needs Tide and dishwasher soap.
Joy
PS She could also use some Capri pants. I noticed that her cotton pants are too long for her and I’m afraid she’ll trip and fall.

Joy,
The dishwasher soap is under the sink.
Cap

Cap,
I didn’t see it. Sorry! Also, could you get some more Crystal Lite lemonade packets? She likes it and she’s been sleeping thru the night.
Joy

Joy,
What the fuck? Here’s the Crystal Lite. I ordered the Capris online, they should arrive early next week.

I stop by MoC’s after work every day because Joy leaves early and the night person doesn’t arrive until 5pm. Three times – count them, THREE – within the last week I walked in to find MoC on the sofa and her walker across the room, out of her reach. The third time, I left this note:

Joy,
When you leave each day, could you please make sure the walker is where Mom can reach it? I’m not always here on time and if something happened, she wouldn’t be able to navigate.
Thanks so much~
Cap

Cap,
Sure … ok … I always make sure your mom has her feet propped up do (sic) to the swelling, but I will make sure she can reach her walker if she needs it.
Joy

She also drives the night people batshit with her notes about what they need to do (and how they need to do it). They have a log where they write down every minute detail of my mother’s life – but Joy has to go that extra (irritating) mile.

On Monday, I flipped through the log just for fun and found this gem from one of the night people:
5:30am – tried to wake J, but she was sleeping soundly.
5:55am – tried once more to wake J to see if she needed to use the bathroom before I left, but she just snored louder.

Heh.

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