I’m a double Capricorn with Scorpio ascendant. What that means to people who couldn’t care less about astrology is that I am intensely emotional. I’m also intensely logical. And sometimes those things don’t mix. It wasn’t enough that my parents condemned me to a life of emotional and intellectual chaos – they also made me right-handed, which screws me up in other ways. Thanks MoC! Add peri-menopausal PMS into the equation and it means I should just curl up in a corner until I’m 50.
Half emotional and half logical doesn’t sound bad, does it? I’m Spock-like but with empathy. If only it were that easy. When I get lost in a sea of emotional turmoil, I can’t just ignore it and/or ride it out like most normal humans. Because I’m also logical, I spend my time berating myself for being emotional in the first place. Because the emotion doesn’t make sense. Or maybe it makes sense but isn’t productive. So I try to kick my own ass because I’m being emotional, but it doesn’t work, so that makes me angry, which only intensifies whatever the original emotion was. You would think that after
44 years all this time, I would be able to stop doing the things that don’t work. But I can’t stop it and I can’t help it, because it is an emotional response, not a logical one. And there it is. Full circle.
Which brings me to the last few weeks. Take what you’ve read in the last several posts and multiply it by about 1000. That should get you to the neighborhood of my actual freak-out level. What I’ve learned is that I need to do that. It’s not fun, but it has to happen in order for me to right myself. The only way the emotional side of me will shut up is if I acknowledge it. And the only way the logical side can take over is if the emotional junk is out of the way. Someone told me once, years ago, that if I ever got my head and my heart in the same place at the same time, she didn’t want to be standing next to me. This is what she was talking about.
The last 12 months have been one long, slow turning point. Everything changed in those months. Some of it was good, some of it was sad, some of it was heartbreaking and some of it was more than I thought I could stand. But I did stand it. And I’m still here and so is MoC, so are my friends, my family and everyone who is important to me.
So this is … another beginning. I finished school and got my degree. I have no idea what’s next and that’s a little scary. It would be easy to blame MoC and use her situation as an excuse to stop going forward. Logic tells me I need to hang on to the job (and the hours) I have and let it ride. But my heart tells me it’s now or never. I can either find (and accept) a low-paying, miserable IT job that will take me where I eventually want to be, or I can stay where I am because I think MoC needs me and wake up when I’m 50 and it’s too late to get where I want to be.
I will never have that conversation with MoC – it’s not a burden she needs right now, or ever. Besides, I know what she would say. She would tell me to go for what I want, what I’ve spent 5 years trying to get. She would tell me I can do anything I choose – and she believes it, too.
As for MoC … she has to do this on her own. I can be there and I can cheer her on, but I can’t do it for her and if she chooses not to participate fully in her own recovery, then I have to accept that. The greatest gift my parents gave me was the ability to choose for myself without regard for anything but my own desires. Which sounds incredibly selfish and perhaps it is, but it has served me well and I would never take that away from someone else – even if I don’t agree with the decision.
This is a new road. I didn’t expect to be on it. I have no idea where it goes, but today at least, I have no doubt that I will end up exactly where I’m supposed to be.