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This morning I woke up as I was sitting up, nearly hyperventilating and ready to scream. I had the mother of all nightmares. I usually remember my dreams, especially the nightmares, but this one was so bad that I only remember the end of it.

My head is a crowded – and sometimes scary – place. I’ve dreamed I was on the run after murdering someone, that I got fired (and it happened), that I killed my sister JR, that I was in a war zone, that someone was trying to murder me, and when I was a little kid I had a recurring nightmare that MoC handed me over to a vampire to be sacrificed. And none of it scared me like this one did.

That’s because I believe dreams can mean things, especially recurring dreams. It took over 30 years to figure out the vampire dream (go click the link, I’m too lazy to recap it here). But this one? It’s making my heart pound just thinking about it, which I made a conscious effort not to do all day. It woke me up at 4am and I just stayed up because I knew it would start again if I went back to sleep.

In the dream, there was a boy about 10 or 12, who was terrorizing the town. He was a sweet kid and no one could figure out why he was being such a sociopathic little bastard. He ended up coming after me (of course) and so I ran until I was ready to drop – and where I ended up was the front yard of the house where I grew up. He was coming toward me and I could feel the evil coming off him in big waves. Someone (?) was standing behind me saying, “Shoot him. You have to shoot him.” In the dream, I knew who was with me, but thinking about it now, I don’t recognize the voice – I only know it was a man. I realized then that I had a gun in my hand, but I didn’t want to shoot the kid. Until he stopped about six feet away from me and I knew something astoundingly bad was about to happen.

So I shot him in the forehead. Yes, I know how to shoot. No, I don’t own a gun. No, I’m probably not a very good shot, so I’m assuming my placement of the bullet means something.

As soon as the bullet hit him, his face kind of crumpled in on itself and his eyes went blood red and Satan-y and he reached for me. Then his face relaxed and he was just an innocent little boy. A dead little boy (but strangely still on his feet).  I saw the evil spirits coming out of the top of his head, kind of swirling around him … and that’s when I woke up.

I have no idea what it means. I’m a little afraid to look it up, but here goes.

This is from dreammoods.com:

To dream that someone or something is evil, denotes a repressed and/or forbidden aspect of yourself. This part of yourself may be seeking recognition and acknowledgment. Alternatively, evil may also be a reflection of your strong, negative emotions like hate, anger, etc.

To see Satan in your dream, denotes that there is some wrongdoing or evil workings in your life or environment.

To dream that you kill someone, indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself which of these qualities you are trying to put an end to.

So the evil is … me. And there is some evil afoot in my life. And by killing the kid, I am trying to kill an aspect of myself … which would be evil. Which is … me.  Awesome.

I shouldn’t have written that post about lack of faith.

And I’m definitely not going to go to sleep tonight.