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For Leslie’s birthday, I bought myself a new phone. Because Leslie is a year older and damn it, I deserve it!

I use Virgin Mobile – and honestly, that should have been a clue. Anyway, I bought this phone

and it’s the shit. Except it won’t spell ‘shit.’ Or ‘fuck’ – two of my favorite words.

Because it has a touch screen and because I have fat fingers, I started using the ‘swype’ feature, which is pretty cool. You just trace your finger across the letters you want and if you hit two letters together or the wrong letter, the phone guesses the word. Usually it’s pretty good.

Unless you’re trying to say something it doesn’t like. Then it gets all self-righteous and judgey.

When I try to type ‘fuck’, my Optimus offers words like ‘duck’ ‘stuck’ ‘buck’ or ‘muck.’  When I try to type ‘shit’ I usually get ‘sit’ or ‘hit.’  I have to touch the screen very carefully to spell it out.

I had kind of a crappy day and so I did what I always do – I took it out on Leslie. Except my phone wouldn’t let me. The hayward* bastard.

I’ve had a toothache for about two weeks. Next Tuesday, I get to have a root canal and a crown. But for now, I get to have Vicodin. (Spellcheck thinks that should be Victorian. Et tu, Spellcheck?) This is the text conversation I had with Leslie after I took half a pill.

Me: Let’s cancel Tuesday. I took half a Vicodin.

Leslie: I’m in!

Me: Hi, In.  I’m High.

Leslie: hahahaha  Glad to meet you High.

Me: Bad news is my tooth still hurts but not as bad. Good news is I don’t give a hit

Me: Shit

Me: I m in a seriously paddy



Leslie: LOL! Issues? Pissy, pissy, pissy!


Me: You’re almost free, but I’ve been home for an hour.

Leslie: You’re mean.

Me: I used to be nice. Then I met you.

Leslie: I’m such a good teacher.

Me: My mom warned me about you**

Leslie: You never did listen to her

Me: Future … wtf? I wrote ‘true’   *sigh*


Leave it to me get a self-censoring phone.

*I tried to write “bastard” … the phone changed it.  What a bucking hayward.

** True story. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with Leslie in high school, even though she was the only friend my parents actually liked, because we were “a bad influence” on each other and she didn’t have “boundaries.” We hung out anyway because I never listened to MoC back then. I probably should have.