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Yesterday was Leslie’s birthday. I’m writing about it today because I suck. But I don’t suck as much as I used to, because there was a period of about 20 years (okay, 30. Shut up) that I couldn’t remember her birthday to save my life. And poor Leslie has put up with me all this time. Because she’s tolerant. Or because she doesn’t have any other friends. One or the other.

I’m sort of an idiot savant when it comes to numbers. I remember the New York Ex’s social security number and we haven’t been together since 1999 and she only gave it to me once.  I remember phone numbers, anniversaries, birthdays, the combination to my locker in junior high, my ex husband’s social security number (which is probably why he’s always nice to me), and the license plate number of my first car. But Leslie’s birthday? Couldn’t get it in my head. I used to think it was the 21st. And every year, I would forget and invariably remember 2 days later and I’d call and grovel and tell her I was a shitty friend and she’d listen to me for a few minutes and then she’d let me off the hook and tell me it was actually that day. And still I couldn’t remember.

It’s been better in recent years, but I’m still prone to forget it, even if I remember the date. I mean, I never know what the current date is, so I’m kind of screwed no matter what.

Monday, as a joke, I texted her and wished her a happy birthday. I’m not sure she knew I was kidding. I texted her Tuesday and wished her a happy birthday. And yesterday, we had this conversation:

Me: Happy birthday! I’m just gonna say it every day until I stumble on the right day. I know it’s around this time of year.

Leslie: Thanks, asshole.

Me: Oh, did I hit the right day? Looks like I hit a nerve, too, fucker.

Leslie: You’re still older than me!

Me: And prettier, too. But hey, this is YOUR day!

Me: Have a kickass day, sweetie. Remember you’re only old if you can’t get the office hottie to lock herself in the bathroom with you. Oh, wait …

Leslie: LOL I’ll give it my best shot

Me: Go smoke a cigarette for me

Leslie: Happy to oblige. My cubemates are being pissy

Me: Tell them I said to cheer up RIGHT NOW! I will not tolerate any amount of pissiness on your special day. Go tell them.

Leslie: I may. If I decide to speak again today

Me: Awww

Leslie: I’ll be okay. Thanks, asshole

Me: I think I’m going to buy myself a new phone for your birthday*

Leslie: Sweet! Let me know if I like it!


Me: At the license bureau. Don’t be jealous, asshole. I mean “asshole bunny rabbit” It’s still your birthday so I should be nice

Leslie: LOL I hope you’re still standing in line, fucker

Me: I am. Happy now?

Leslie: Extremely

Me: I aim to please

Leslie: You’re doing a fine job.

Me: The line is moving.

Leslie: Shit!

Me: I’m almost next

Leslie: You’re not pleasing me!!

Me: Sorry. I’m NEXT

Leslie: Asshole!

Me: Aaaannnnnndddd Done!

Me: 55 minutes start to finish. I suffered.

Leslie: Thank God.

*This is Leslie’s birthday present to myself.

PS Leslie, you really like this phone!