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After 44 years all this time, my mother has finally given up on me. First, I broke her computer trying to put in a new hard drive. I fixed that, but then the modem didn’t work. I called the phone company to straighten that out, got the modem working and then the phone didn’t work (it has to do with the DSL filters). The phone she has to have because she now has Life Alert. Tomorrow I’m buying a cable modem to fix the phone/DSL issue. I’m sure something will go wrong.

I took her bills home to pay them because I broke her DSL and she can’t get online. So I called her to tell her they were paid. That’s when this conversation happened:

MoC: I know you kids don’t understand this, but I like what I like and I like what I had on the computer before. Vista. I want that back. MMB took the filter off so I could use the computer and I can’t find anything on it.

Me: Well, Windows 7 kind of replaced Vista but I can see if I can find it for you. It’ll probably cost $200 though.

MoC: I can learn anything if you show me how to do it. I just couldn’t figure it out.

And then it dawned on me. I hadn’t put any of her programs back on because (for whatever reason) I was waiting until the online issue got sorted out.

Me: Windows 7 is very similar to XP. Once you get used to it, you’ll really like it. And you can’t find anything because all that’s on it is the operating system and Internet Explorer.

MoC: Why?

Me: Because I’m a terrible, terrible person and you should trade me in.

MoC: Oh.Ā  (long pause)Ā  Do you think there’s anybody who would trade for you straight up?

No. Probably not.

Then I texted Leslie and she accused me of making a typo which is soooo not true. So I yelled at her.

Me: DO NOT make me travel back in time to the last time I could kick your ass, which was probably 3rd grade.

Leslie: You could never kick my ass.

Me: Bullshit. In 3rd grade, I was tough as nails.

Leslie: What happened after 3rd grade? Your mom shrink your big girl pants?


I can’t win.