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MoC used to be able to make me drop to my knees with overpowering guilt at 500 paces. These days she has to be a little closer and she has to work a lot harder, but she can still do it. It’s a gift.

A lot of the people I work with smoke. There is a huge smoking shelter outside the building, open at both ends, with a glass front and a metal shelf that runs the length of the shelter. There are several ashtrays underneath that shelf. I would go outside on breaks with them and shoot the breeze while they smoked. It never really bothered me. Until one day, I had a really bad day in training and I asked a girl for a cigarette. It was a Camel and it went straight to my head and made me dizzy. I leaned over to put it out and hit my head on that metal shelf – I hit it so hard I actually thought I gave myself a concussion. That was the end of my smoking experiment.

Until my mother had the strokes. I bummed so many cigarettes from one of the girls that I bought her a pack – and I bought myself a pack while I was at it. That was all it took and I was off and smoking again.

I quit 4 years ago. A lot of you know I have some lung problems as a direct result of smoking 2 packs a day for almost 25 years and so it was completely stupid of me to start again. And I really thought it would be easy to quit, since I’ve only been smoking again for about 2 months. Joke was on me.

My mother may have had two strokes and may have been slightly out of it for a while, but she is not and never has been stupid. I never told her I started again because I was embarrassed.  Also because, even at 43 years old my age, I hate to disappoint her. Lately she’s been saying things … dropping little hints.

I usually take the Unconscious Mutterings words to her … and one of last week’s words was “resolution.”  Her answer was “I will never smoke again.” (She quit 12 years ago) She gave me the evil eye when she said it – and I ignored her. I probably blushed, though. 😳

Today, David and I went to see MoC and celebrate Christmas. We had lunch with her, so I did end up with a holiday meal, even if it was ham and there was no stuffing and the whole meal was only lukewarm. We wore Santa hats and opened presents and we didn’t stick bows on each other’s heads because I’m a terrible human being and didn’t wrap my gifts and David’s didn’t have any bows. But otherwise, it was a nice day. MoC decided to call JR and MMB, so David said, “I’m going to go smoke.” And I said, “I’ll go with you.”

When we came back, MoC looked right at me and said, “Did you have time to smoke a cigarette?”  I think my flabber was fairly gasted. I came up with, “Um, what?” So she repeated her question and then said, “David usually smokes two when he’s out there, so I just wanted to make sure you got to smoke one.”

Fuck.

I knew she knew. And she knew I knew she knew. I confessed. She didn’t judge me. She didn’t even give me that disappointed look I so fear. She just shrugged and smiled.

My other confession is that I came home and watched The Notebook. I want a love like that. I cried at the end. What? You did, too. You know you did.

*P.S.  That passworded post? It’s not for you. Sorry. Other passworded posts will have the usual password, but this was for someone else. That’s just how I am.

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