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… I was all zen about Christmas? That’s probably the problem – Buddhism and Christianity are kind of not actually the same thing.

Anyway. Today? Not so zen.

To the people who invited me to your house for Christmas: Thank you. It is incredibly kind and generous and exactly the spirit of the season. But I can’t. Going to a gathering where I know only one person is very stressful for me and there’s not enough raspberry vodka in the world to counteract the social anxiety I feel when I’m in a room with more than 3 people strangers. Adding a very difficult Christmas holiday on top of that would be impossible for me. So I’m sorry. But I love you for asking and at any other time of the year, I would take a happy pill and show up.

Remember when I was excited about going to school and getting my degree and finding a new career? I don’t know anything. I don’t know what I’m doing. I parrot back the answers, but I don’t think I’m learning anything and I seriously doubt that when I do finish next year a company is going to take a chance on a 44 year old woman my age with exactly zero experience. And now I finally have a job with an excellent company doing something I hate. So how am I going to give up the salary and the benefits to take a $10 an hour help desk job? I’m beginning to think I’ve just wasted 5 years of my life on something that will never happen.

Remember when I was so happy that I found “Bridget” and how excited I was to have someone in my life who actually gets me? I miss her incredibly right now. Which is silly because I doubt she misses me. I’ve been alone most of my life, even when I’ve been surrounded with family and friends. But today? I’ve never felt so alone. I wish …

I wish she would knock on my door and open her arms and let me let go.

I wish I didn’t have to wish.

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