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There’s a meme going around in which you answer questions about yourself. The idea is to answer with complete honesty. I grabbed it from RW but I also saw that Avitable, Faiqa, Karen Sugarpants and Poppy are doing it (or have done it) too. Yes, I’m a follower.

So. The first question is: Something you hate about yourself.

Um. Well. Crap.

I don’t hate myself anymore. So that’s probably a plus, but that wasn’t the question.

Once in a therapy session, the therapist asked what I didn’t like about my physical appearance. I said I didn’t like my feet and then he spent the next 20 minutes arguing with me and telling me I shouldn’t hate my feet because they are a part of me and I am a beautiful person. I listened to him until he finally stopped talking. Then I said, “I don’t lose sleep over my un-cute feet and I don’t think I’m unattractive because my feet aren’t adorable. But you asked me and so I told you.”  He ended the session 10 minutes early. I don’t really blame him.

But that still wasn’t the question, was it?

I hate that I find it so hard to talk about my real feelings without making a joke or beating around the bush. I can tell you how I feel about an election, or a football game, or work, or just about anything that doesn’t touch the real me. The fear, the paralyzing inadequacy, the pain … or even the joy, the freedom, the feeling of lightness I get when I know I’ve taken a real step forward – and away from the fear, the paralyzing inadequacy and the pain. It’s not that I don’t have the words to tell you. I just don’t have the trust it takes to let you in all the way. And that, more than anything else, has ruined every relationship I’ve ever had. The end manifested differently with each person, but the reason behind it was always the same – I don’t trust. I’m not even sure I know how to trust someone, not with something as fragile as my real, trembling self.

That wasn’t what I was going to write.

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