, , , , , ,

I have always loved water. It soothes my soul. When I’m near the water – any water – I am completely smoothed out and mellow. I can’t hurt when it rains. I can’t be in turmoil when I’m watching the slow waves on a lake. When I can find no peace in my heart, the sky opens and quietly rains serenity on me.

It’s a lot like a drug, I guess. Only it’s free. And not lethal.

When I was a kid and I felt scared or things were out of control or there was a fight going on, I would freeze. I would stand absolutely still. I wouldn’t blink. I wouldn’t shift my weight. I would just stop. I would go completely inside myself and in that moment, nothing else existed except my heart and my blood and my breath. I stopped.

This morning I woke to the sound of a door closing. And I froze. I stopped.

That’s when I heard the thunder from somewhere far off, in another dimension maybe. I stayed stopped. When the rain came, I started again. I don’t have to protect myself anymore – there is no reason to try to stop the world with a game of one-woman freeze tag. As a child, it was an instinctive reaction to a chaotic world. As an adult, the world has only the power I give it.

Water, especially rain, has one other gift: perfect clarity. Rain allows me not to think but to see with my heart. I see the true beauty in my life. I feel the love of all the people around me. I see the road in front of me and I realize that the destination is not as important as understanding why I chose the journey.

Eventually I’ll make sense again.

But right now? It’s still raining.