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Dear Sara Lee,
I loved your slogan “Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee!” MoC thinks I misheard it and the real slogan was “Nobody does it like Sara Lee!” Please bring back your slogan (see page 4) and prove to MoC that there were actually two versions.
Thank you!

Dear Homeless Person I Accused of Not Being Homeless Because You Have Ear buds and Nice Hair,
If you’re really homeless, you probably won’t be reading this. But if you are a fake beggar, we can work something out. I can scout locations for you, make new signs, and give you a compelling back story that will break hearts and open wallets. I will also advise you to lose the ear buds, stop shaving and grow your hair. In exchange, you can cut me in on some of your take. Sound fair?
Great! Call me!

Dear Parent Dropping Their Child Off at the Daycare my Neighbor is Illegally Operating out of Her House,
You know how when you drop your kid off and there are other screaming kids in the background and Misty just acts like she doesn’t hear it? You might think that she is employing a Jedi mind-trick and that she will ultimately control them by not reacting to their tantrums. Not true. She will yell at them. When that proves to be ineffective, she will yell louder. This interaction seems to be directly related to how much homework I have.

Dear SQL Server 2008 for Developers,
When I first started on my journey toward a new career, I  thought I wanted to be a Database Administrator. Thank you for disabusing me of that notion. Because of you, I know that DBA’s actually have to write code, which I hate. They also have to be really anal retentive, which I am, but only on my terms and only about certain things. Data is not one of those things.

Dear Dad,
Remember when JR needed a pair of shoes and she kept bugging MoC to go shopping? And MoC was doing something important, like cooking dinner, and so she told JR to wait? And then JR would say, “Dang, Mother! GOD!” And then you walked into the room and started singing “Dang Mother God! Dang Mother God! Can we get the shoes Mother dang Mother God!” Then you started clapping and rhythmically chanting, “Dang Mother God! Dang Mother God! Can we get the shoes Mother dang Mother God! Dang Mother God! Dang Mother God! Can we get the shoes Mother dang Mother God!”

Thanks for that.

Also, thanks for freaking me out about spiders by telling me they just shed their exoskeleton and get bigger and bigger until they actually are bigger than a Buick. I didn’t sleep for a month after that.

Dear Mickey B’s friends,
Thanks for making me feel welcome last night. I will crash your party again soon.

Dear Facebook,
Stop it. Seriously. Stop.

Dear Snowflakes That are Still Falling Even Though You are not Accumulating,
Fuck you.