A while back I mentioned that I put a profile on Match.I.can’t.get.a.date – it seemed like it was time. If you can’t be with the one you love** … right? I had a hard time writing the profile because all I could think of was who would be reading it – more correctly, who would not be reading it. The whole thing just made me sad. But I did it because … well, because it was time. I figured no one would be interested and that I wouldn’t find anyone I was interested in getting to know. The latter has held mostly true, but I’m forcing myself to interact.
About 10 days ago I got a “wink” – woot. I checked the profile and she seemed – I don’t know. Not really my type, kind of intellectually snobbish. Then I reminded myself that if I continue to pass up opportunities because they aren’t Kendra, then I really will die alone. We exchanged emails until I got one that said she’d like to meet for coffee.
Unlike Penelope, I don’t find it easy to sleep with meet with potential dates. I’m sooo much more comfortable with emails. However, I reminded myself again that passing up opportunities is not a luxury I can afford at this point. It’s not like we had nothing in common or that I wasn’t interested – I’m just scared. That email was Sunday. I answered, but wasn’t specific about a day or time. I think I’m the chasee … I’m not sure.
Then she sent me her phone number and said it would be easier to talk about where to meet. <gulp>
I told her I was buried in homework and that I would call her the next day (yesterday). It was just to buy time. I wasn’t ready for a phone conversation (and yes, I am fully aware of how crazy this sounds. Try living it). I called yesterday – and we settled on drinks tomorrow. Her voice doesn’t match her picture. Her conversation didn’t seem to match what she had written. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.
And then yesterday I just happened to see my horrorscope. I laughed out loud.
Tuesday, Jun 16th, 2009 — You are not a stranger to having an approach-avoidance conflict as you vacillate between fully engaging with someone you love and withdrawing into your own world. But today you can successfully do both. You want to open your heart and yet you’re also mindful of necessary boundaries. Keep bringing your mind back to that point where comfort and discomfort meet. It’s here, at these metaphysical borders that real magic happens.
Seeing that gave me the courage not to cancel. I just keep telling myself that it’s okay to meet new people – it doesn’t mean anything, necessarily. You’d think after this length of time, I wouldn’t be struggling with anything to do with Kendra – but I can feel a door closing. Keeping it open keeps me safe – it also keeps me isolated and alone. When it comes down to it, it’s really no choice at all.
*Name that tune – no fair googling
Bid my blood to run, before I come undone
Call my name and save me from the dark
** If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.
Not bad advice, actually.