Sometimes I have vivid dreams that I can remember – sometimes for years, in full detail – and other times, I only recall the feeling of the dream. It’s been like that lately, waking up with a disjointed, disconnected feeling. I feel like I’m missing something, some clue, and I don’t know what it is. Well, obviously I don’t know what it is, or I wouldn’t be missing it. It’s more that I am not sure the direction I should look for it.
A few weeks ago, I called the New York Ex to say hi and catch up on things. No big deal, really, but she didn’t answer and I didn’t get voice mail. I got a weird click and that was it. So I fired off an email, but didn’t get a response. That was no big deal, either. She rarely answers immediately. I called again and this time I got a message that the phone had been disconnected. So I emailed again. Still no response.
Last night I dreamed about her – one of those fuzzy dreams that leave an impression rather than a memory. In the dream, she was walking away from me. When I called out to her, she turned and shook her head, but kept walking. I think something is wrong and I have no other way to get in touch with her.
I’ve been thinking a lot about K, too. Random things will come up and remind me of her. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that I put myself on match.I.cant.get.a.date.com. Not that anything has come of it, but it does close a door that I’ve left open for a long time. Okay, I’ll say it. Five years. I’ve left that door open for five years, thinking maybe she would change her mind. We talked a few years ago, when I got laid off the first time. When she told me she didn’t have feelings for me, I told her I needed to be out of her life. Which was the right thing to do, but it broke my heart all over again. One of the lessons I’ve learned the hard way is that some people just don’t love you back and some things just aren’t meant to be.
So we go on. In my case, it is slowly and reluctantly, but I keep going forward. I’m not holding out a lot of hope for match.i.cant.get.a.date.com, but it can’t hurt to see who’s out there. Maybe I’ll be surprised this time.
I’m not sure what brought on that little whine – but I think it’s part of the “things just don’t feel quite right” syndrome.
Maybe something is about to change.