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Maybe it’s a Capricorn thing. I mock the idea a lot, but maybe there is some merit in the assumption that Capricorns simply can’t help being gloomy creatures. Maybe it doesn’t matter how much I struggle against it – doom will always win.

G* called me last night. She’s having work issues (surprise) and is looking for jobs in Florida. She finally got the deadbeat boyfriend out (twice. She had him evicted and he came back. She had to call the cops to get him out that time). I spend a lot of time building her confidence, comforting her and telling her everything is going to work out.

So when I flunked my first two assessments for this class, I didn’t expect her to say, “Oh, don’t worry about it. You’ll pass the exam. It’s not going to be that hard.” Thank you. That only served to make me feel stupid, considering I couldn’t pass a quiz based on the same material.

When I was struggling with writing a user manual for the student website, her response was, “Oh, that’s easy.” Really? Thanks. Thanks a lot.

I’m getting closer and closer to telling her what I think, which is basically, “You bring this all on yourself because you have a terrible attitude. It’s not because you’re a Capricorn. It’s because you’re an ingrate!” Once I say that, I can kiss goodbye a free place to stay in Florida when she moves there.

In other news, I restarted the diet I restarted two weeks ago. The “cleanse” process is grueling – you eat as much protein as you can stuff in your face, no sugar and no carbs, for three days. It doesn’t sound so bad – and I like beef – but it makes me feel lethargic and icky. Losing 5.5lbs in those three days perks me up, though. Then I went back off it almost immediately, gained those 5.5 lbs back, plus 2 more.

This time I’m serious. I lost 40 lbs two years ago (and still didn’t make my goal) and now I’ve gained 30 lbs back. I don’t look good and I don’t feel good about myself. Now that I no longer have a free place to work out, I’m going to have to do things the hard way – by taking long walks around my neighborhood or at the mall, by using the stability ball and exercise bands I’ve had since Christmas. I’m never going to be skinny – I’m not built for skinny – but losing this weight will make feel so much better, physically and mentally.

As for the A+ assessments: it looks like I’m just going to have to study harder. I know I can do it; I don’t doubt my ability. It’s just a matter of putting names to things (I have no idea what a serial connector is. I just know it fits in a certain slot on the computer) and practicing and studying. The good news is that I actually have three weeks off from U of P – I thought it was only two weeks. So if I need to spend that extra time working on the A+ material, I can.

See? I’m almost an optimist. I must have a “happy” sign somewhere in my chart.

*In a fit of paranoia, I’ve changed the name so it won’t be easily discovered. She is my friend and I’m just venting because I’m frustrated by the situation.

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