On the second day of unemployment, my mother said to meeee ….
Your left eyebrow is thicker than the right. And did you know there is a hole in your right eyebrow?
– No. Seriously?
The bottom picture is after I plucked my eyebrows within an inch of my life trying to cover up the hole. And the left one was still thicker. (Penelope, if you’re reading this … it’s MY left, but your RIGHT. ok?)
Me: Um. Yeah.
MoC: Is it a scar?
Me: No. Dad had the same thing.
MoC: Oh. I guess I never noticed.
I didn’t ask her which one she didn’t notice – her spouse of 32 years or her child of forty-two years adult child. I’m not sure I want to know the truth.
You may not have noticed this, but occasionally I am severely short-tempered. Honest to God. I am. WalMart has a new policy that they check your receipt against what’s in your bags. Then they changed it to they had to see a receipt for anything not in a bag. Last weekend, I had to get kitty litter. I had my hands full, plus the kitty litter and a worker stopped me and asked to see my receipt. I must have had a look on my face because she quickly explained it was for anything not in a bag. I’m usually a very quiet person, but I said “JESUS CHRIST! That is NOT your policy because I was JUST in here LAST week and NO ONE checked my GODDAMN receipt!” I dropped everything – including my purse – to dig through the bags … and finally found the receipt in my pocket (of course). I told her to keep the damn thing and stormed off.
So today at WalMart, I told MoC that I was going to tell the woman that everything I stole was down the front of my jeans and ask if they needed me to drop my pants. And MoC wouldn’t let me!! Actually it was because the greeter/receipt-checker-person was obviously a little slow and it would have been cruel to mock the policy with someone who didn’t get it. But still … I wanted to do it.
We still caused several small ruckuses. Ruckusi. In the stain remover section, we inspected and compared bottles of Shout! and Zout and Spray ‘N Wash and tried to decide which one had the most stain-fighting power. I chose Spray ‘N Wash because it “removes even dried-in stains before your eyes” – and we agreed that it was better to remove a stain before your eyes … otherwise you wouldn’t see the stain removed. On the other hand, or eye as the case may be, if Spray ‘N Wash removed your eyes before the stain, it wouldn’t matter if the stain didn’t come out.
As we were walking around, I took my coat off and put it in the cart. MoC smirked at me. I said, “If you say it’s a hot flash, I will knock you clear to the back of the store.” She smiled innocently and said, “Are you warm?” Later, as I was driving and pulling the collar of my sweatshirt away from my neck, I caught her smirking again. I said, “I have NOT had a hot flash!”
She smirked again and said, “Have too, have too, have too!”
We went to lunch at a local bar-b-que place. They were piping in a local radio station through the overhead speakers. It happened to be an oldies station and the song happened to be “Sweet Caroline.” And MoC and I both sang “Sweet Caroline … this song sucks!” at the appropriate musical moment. A gentleman standing near us said, “I guess you’re not from Boston.” Which I didn’t get. But then he said they played that song at Red Sox games. Which made no sense to us. I’m including it here in case any Red Sox fans (or Neil Diamond fans. Oh wait. No one likes Neil Diamond) can explain it to me.
Then on to the second biggest purchase* of the day – new glasses. I know most of you don’t believe that I can be volatile. But all of you have to believe that I am decisive. My shopping motto is: Get in, get it and get out. I think it took a whole hour to decide on the glasses. For MoC, that would be her record fastest time … for me? That’s for-ev-er. Finally, I told the girl that I liked the shape but that the stems were too wide. So she brought me another pair and I put them on and said, “I’ll take these.” Yay!
No pictures today – maybe tomorrow. Because I can’t figure out how to operate my new camera, which was actually the most expensive purchase of the day. Also, my new contacts gave me a headache today. When I went back to get the glasses, I took the contacts out (duh) and so I wore the glasses for a few hours this evening. I had a headache that actually made me feel sick … and I realized it’s because my presciption changed, kind of drastically. No wonder. So I have to build up a tolerance to them. And you’ll need to build a tolerance to my new level of cuteness once I start wearing them full-time.