My phone rang last night and to my surprise, it was not a bill collector. It was G. I didn’t answer because I was in the middle of making dinner (which did not include gravy, Delmer). That is the excuse I will give her but between you and me, I just didn’t want to talk to her.
A few months ago I wrote that she was working my last nerve because she kept talking about kicking her boyfriend out and complaining bitterly about him, but wouldn’t do anything to actually get him out of the house. She is working on it now – and has called the sheriff to evict him. He should be gone soon.
Her message was “I am having a bad day and I just have a disgusting and vile attitude. I have so much going on and no one gets it.” The implication is that I do get it – and that is true, I get it. The problem is I don’t want to hear it anymore. I’ve tried to tell her (without offending her, which isn’t easy) that she has control of her own emotions.
There comes a point when wallowing and whining have to stop. Words are extremely powerful, especially the words we use to describe ourselves. I like to say that because I’m a Capricorn, I’m a gloomy little goat. I always get a mental image of a sad little goat with tear-filled eyes and it makes me laugh. I do it to make a point with humor, but I have to be very careful about how I talk to myself.
If I tell myself day after day that I’m gloomy and depressed and the world sucks and I’ll never get a job because no one will hire me … then I’m going to be gloomy and depressed and the world will suck and I’ll never get a job because no one will hire me. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy and it works like a charm.
Bad things will happen. Life is unfair. I’m losing my job in six weeks and I didn’t do anything to cause it. If all I can see is how unfair it is and how scary job-hunting is and how hard it will be to find a job in the IT field because I have no experience, then I will walk into an interview with exactly the wrong attitude.
Maybe I’m super-sensitive to negativity. I struggle with it all the time. From that struggle, I’ve learned that my behavior dictates my feelings. If I act as if I’m in a good mood by smiling at people and being friendly, then people will respond to me and pretty soon, I’m actually in a good mood. If I wait to smile and be friendly until I feel good, the reaction I get is completely different. People avoid me or don’t talk to me and then I end up feeling worse because I feel that no one likes me. Trust me. I know this is true.
If I act like I’m confident going into an interview, I will come across that way, whether I feel it or not. If I wait until I feel confident, I’m either not going to get interviews or blow the ones I do get.
G is waiting on her feelings to change before she changes her behavior. I understand where she’s coming from, but I’m tired of bolstering her ego and trying to cheer her up. It’s exhausting. For every positive thing I say, she has three negatives. I don’t know how to combat the pessimism without letting it drag me down. Also, I feel like it isn’t my job to change her attitude.
I feel bad because she was a very good friend to me when I was batshit crazy. She never patronized me and she never lost her patience. She never once told me that if I wanted to stop being insane, I should just act like I was normal.
God, I’m such a bitch.
Er, I mean … I’m such a patient, wonderful, supportive friend.