Since they announced the sale of my company but have refused to tell me if my job was eliminated, I’ve been quietly applying for IT jobs. The problem is that I have half a degree and no experience. The other problem is that in order to get experience, I’d probably have to take a help desk job – which would be okay because I would learn all kinds of stuff. On the other hand, I’d make a lot less than I do now.

The other problem is … something is bothering me about enrolling at the University of Phoenix. I just don’t want to do it, but I can’t tell if that’s because I haven’t been in school for six months and am reluctant to have my time drained in that manner again – or if my intuition is honestly screaming at me not to do this. It bothers me that I can’t tell the difference.

I hate, hate, hate being so insecure about my employment. There is a small chance they will retain one person in my unit (the Shrew, Bosshole, and me). If that happens, I will probably have a job. Not because I’m so great, but because I’m competent. I’m also considerably younger than both of them and I make less money. On the other hand, I don’t want to be there anymore. I’d rather let the Shrew have the job and take my chances in the market. No matter what happens, Bosshole will be screwed. I’m a little embarrassed to say that I think it probably serves her right. Embarrassed, but only a little.

My resume is geared to a specific job within a specific industry – and it’s something I’ve done for 15 years (not counting the years I was married and didn’t work). I think when recruiters in IT see it, they’re thinking, “What the fuck??” and tossing it aside. I reworked the resume so that my education was at the top, but with many online job listings, there is no opportunity to submit a cover letter. So they are getting a resume that is geared to a completely different industry. In a cover letter, I can explain that I am transitioning into a new field and highlight the fact that I am working on a Bachelor’s degree. If anyone has any ideas, email me.

It’s frustrating and with the economy in the tank, it’s scary as hell. I just know that if I don’t make a move now, I will retire doing what I’m doing now. The very thought of that makes me want to cry.

I start school in two weeks – and that makes me want to cry too. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. On one hand, I feel old and inadequate. On the other hand, I know I can do this – I know I can get the degree, I know I can do the job I eventually want to land. I’m just scared I’m not going to get the chance – or that I will have to starve to death before someone gives me the chance.

I’m grateful that I only have to worry about myself. I’d be freaking out completely if I had a family to support, but there is only The Replacement Cat and she doesn’t eat much. Part of my dilemma is that I watched my father work a job he pretty much hated in order to feed his kids. I don’t want to do that. I’ve been miserable long enough, haven’t I?

I deserve a change; and I deserve to do what I enjoy; and I deserve to be happy, don’t I?
A few years ago I would have said no, I didn’t deserve to be happy. Kendra had a lot to do with that. I felt terrible about the way things ended and I felt like it was all my fault. Maybe it was my fault and maybe it was her fault. The point is that it happened several years ago and I can’t change anything that happened.

What happened then doesn’t mean I can’t be happy now – that’s stupid. But that’s how I’ve been living, even after I said I was over it and I was okay with the outcome. I think I used that situation to punish myself for something else that was equally ridiculous. I’m a worthy person, no matter what anyone else thinks.

I can’t let a few unanswered job inquiries make me question my entire plan of action. I can’t let a few failed interviews make me think I’m not qualified for a job in IT. I’ve always been able to walk away from situations and people that didn’t suit me. This is the same thing in reverse. Just because I’ve not received responses for the jobs I applied for doesn’t mean I’m not a good candidate. And just because some people couldn’t give me what I need and what I deserve, doesn’t mean I’m unworthy.

Unless I’m wrong. In which case, I’m screwed and you should send me money. Immediately.

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