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MoC: Is there a song about a microwave oven?
Me: Um, yes. Sort of. There’s a line about microwave ovens.
It’s a song by Dire Straits about MTV. Sting sings “I want my MTV” at the beginning.
MoC: It’s running through my head, just that one thing.
Me: Just microwave ovens?
MoC: It’s driving me crazy.

MoC has probably recovered from that snippet of song, but I’ve got another song in my head. “Always hopeful yet discontent, he knows changes aren’t permanent. But change is.” Then I rewind my mind and play it from the beginning because I like the song, but that line gets to me every time.

Looking back over the last 41 years my life, I’ve noticed that I’ve never made a major change without being pushed into it. Most people are like that, I think. It doesn’t matter whether the push was direct (like my divorce) or a result of circumstance (like finding TFC). The major changes started as minor ones and evolved, whether I wanted it or not.

Last week, I found out I was losing my job – only they didn’t know when. Then I found out I wasn’t losing my job – only they weren’t sure how. Then they told me they didn’t know if I was losing my job – only they didn’t know why. It’s all up in the air and I won’t know for at least a few more weeks. I don’t even have a clue what will happen. It could easily go either way.

When I found out I was going to be unemployed, I was okay with it. I decided to go get my bachelor’s degree and in the meantime, I would try to find a job in IT, armed only with my associate’s and a charming smile. Then when I found out I might still have a job, my heart sank. Because I know I need that push to make big changes. While I’m waiting to find out my fate, I decided to enroll in school. There a million forms to fill out and I got through about half of them last night before I stopped. I was going to start again this morning but when I sat down to do it, I had this awful feeling in my gut.

I don’t want to do it; I don’t really enjoy school. I was more enthusiastic until I learned that the program I’m in is only offered online and I had been counting on the fact that I would be on campus, which I think I need at this point. I learn best with a combination of studying and actually doing the work. I would have that on campus, but not online. Every time I think about going back to the online grind, I want to cry.

Then I start thinking about what else I could do. I could try to find a job now with just a 2 year degree. I could get a Network+ certification and try to get a job. I could stay where I am and hope that one day I get motivated (and brave) enough to cut away my safety net.

Or.  I could go back to school.

And here’s the other side of that argument. Online may not be what I want and it may not be the way I learn best, but I can do it. A bachelor’s degree would probably offset the disadvantages of having zero experience in the field and being over 40 slightly older than my competition.

It scares the shit out of me to think about trying to find a job in this economy. On the other hand, I have some advantages that I tend to downplay so it probably won’t be as bad as I fear. On the other hand – have I run out of hands yet? – if the Shrew, Bosshole and I manage to keep our jobs, the Shrew can no longer telecommute. This means I have to put up with her whining, sighing, self-pitying, backstabbing, negativity and manipulation up close and personal.

On the other hand, when I think about it that way, being unemployed can’t be that bad. At least it would be quieter and if I didn’t have money for groceries, I’d probably lose weight.