, ,

I’m stuck. Not Stuck, but stuck. Things are at a standstill and I’m not sure in which direction I want to go. The layoff on Monday freaked me out, along with the rumors I’ve heard which indicate that it will happen again fairly soon. I’m probably “safe” for a while but for the first time since I’ve worked there, I feel nervous about where the company is headed.

On the flip side of that coin, I am almost finished with my Associate’s which will allow me to move in another direction – but which direction? Networking or database administration or … what? And where? And how? Having the degree will help me no matter what I do. My head knows that. I’m scared anyway.

The diet has stalled. I’ve changed my eating habits completely, which had to happen, but I’ve stopped losing weight. I haven’t gone completely off the plan, but I haven’t been strictly on it, either. Last night I ate so much I felt sick, but I felt compelled to keep munching. That has to change immediately. I’ve blamed the holidays and stress, but I know that I am only halfway to my goal and there are fabulous lounge pants waiting for me at the finish line. I can’t give up now.

I’m exhausted and I don’t want to talk to anyone. About anything. At all. Ever.  Every time the phone rings, I cringe. Even talking to MoC is hard – I crave silence. But then I realize I’m isolating myself and so I force myself to go somewhere, but all I can think about is being at home, alone and silent. Interacting with people is suffocating.

The twentieth anniversary of my twenty-first birthday is rapidly approaching and I want to go out. I want to meet people. I want to have a social life. Then I read the preceding paragraph and wonder if I am still sane.

When I look at the last year I am amazed at the changes I see. So, really, I know that I am sane, but more changes are coming. This isolation, the impatience, and the edginess are the internal signs that I am gearing up mentally and emotionally to take some huge steps. It’s a pattern with me. I freak out, withdraw, spend too much money, get seriously irritable and then finally do whatever it is that needs to be done. Then I wonder why I resisted it so much.

2008 is supposed to be a stellar year for Capricorns. In fact, the next several years will be good for goats. Change is never as bad or as hard as I think it will be. So I should stop thinking about it.

Always hopeful yet discontent
he knows changes aren’t permanent
But change is
-‘Tom Sawyer’