It looks like it’s time to do that end of the year post where I talk about all the things I should have done this year and all the things that I’m going to do next year. Or maybe not.
There were lots of things I could have done this year – and lots of things I did. There are many things I should do next year – and some things that I will do. But really, I feel I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Right now, for the first time that I can remember.
I read somewhere once that Capricorns tend to be very serious when they are young and then loosen up as they age. Obviously that stuck with me, but at the time I thought it was silly. Oh, I was soooo serious when I was younger – and I’m still a serious person – but I can feel the weight of the entire universe lifting off my shoulders, just a little. I used to feel all this pressure to do something with my life – and it had to be something serious and important.
I’ve felt like a failure for so long that I began to believe it was true and I let people convince me that I was a poser, a faker, a lightweight, irrelevant, unimportant, insignificant, useless, dead weight, and my personal favorite – an emotional bully with the moral fortitude of a slug.
As it turns out, they were mistaken.
I’m not a failure, although I will admit being a poser at times and irrelevant a lot. These days I have the moral fortitude of a coyote, at least. Every day it’s a little easier to be me. The feeling is difficult to describe but it is very close to … happiness.
Nah, I’m just kidding.
Things are more settled now – I am more settled. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. Being able to accept imperfection is a gift in itself. I still have situations that I wish I had handled differently – K is the main one, I guess. Despite how it turned out, she was a gift to me and one I will always cherish. Since I can’t go back or even sideways, I have moved forward and one day I will realize that I moved on from her without realizing it. I’ll be sad that day.
But that day is not this day. I’m pleased about all the other ways I’ve moved on and all the things I’ve moved on from. I’m so content that it doesn’t even bother me that the previous sentence is a prepositional nightmare. Just because I’m a Capricorn doesn’t mean I can’t relax.
Damn. Yes it does.