Something strange has been in the air recently. I’ve not been able to pinpoint it. It’s like a breeze you feel on your neck but no windows are open. Or TFC brushing by my leg, but when I look up, she isn’t in the room. I’ve seen my random thoughts on other people’s blogs. I’ve been reminded sharply of people who are no longer in my life – like my father. Like K – the one who
got ran away. Blasts from the past, everywhere I turn. I seem to be haunting myself.
Even my dreams have been odd. I’ve dreamed of smoking several times recently. This morning, I woke up before my alarm buzzed and I kept thinking I should get up, that I needed to be awake. In fact, that feeling was so strong that I couldn’t fall asleep again. In the last two months I have had two dreams that I was fired from my job. Dreams mean things – they really do. They speak to us in ways that I don’t think we truly understand. I’ve dreamed of my father several times in the last few weeks. He passed away 17 years ago – what’s he trying to tell me now?Dreams speak to us. And sometimes they warn us.
This morning, one of the vice presidents stopped by my desk and asked me to come to a conference room. That was odd. However, I had been promised a promotion and was told just yesterday that it was in the works and that it had to be approved (by this particular vice-president) so my first reaction was joy. I’m getting the promotion at last! Go, me.
I stopped outside the conference room because the door was partly closed. I could see the end of the table and I could see the Chief Financial Officer sitting there, so I knew I was in the wrong place.
The first V.P. came up behind me and told me to go in. That’s when I knew. I opened the door and saw the third V.P. He did all the talking. There was some talk of financial goals and some talk of “meeting our needs” but I wasn’t really listening. I was very busy nodding and trying to be cool. And I think I was cool. I am certain I was cooler than some of the other people who walked innocently to the slaughter.
I went back to my desk to shut my computer down and to get my jacket and my purse. The manager – who promised me the promotion and told me yesterday that it was in process – came up to guard me and make sure I didn’t break anything or sabotage anything … or say anything. God forbid other employees realize something is amiss. She asked me if I was okay. I turned on her, looked her dead in the eye and said calmly, “No. I’m pissed.” Then I ignored her. I rinsed out my favorite coffee cup and let her follow me to the door. She was several paces behind me and I did not look back. I did not look down, either.
On my way home, I allowed myself to let out my breath. I probably said a few bad words. I had a few moments of panic – how am I going to feed TFC? I’m fat and I have no “interview” clothes – that kind of thing. But overall, I’m fine. I know that I will land in a better place. If I am honest with myself, I can say that despite Cartman’s entertaining dialogue, I was no longer happy with that company.
I know it’s a cliche but … things do have a way of working out. That’s what the dreams meant. That’s why I’ve been noticing so many, many things recently – things that impact me in ways that would be difficult to explain. So even though I did not see this coming … I knew something was happening and I am totally okay with it.Still, it’s a very strange feeling. The world shifted a little this morning. Soon I will see exactly how much it shifted.
Another thing that hit me as I was sitting in that room, not really listening to the V.P., is that not only did they look serious and concerned – they seemed genuinely sad, all three of them. As they were yanking the financial rug out from under me, I was thinking that they must be having a really tough day.
*First person to tell me where the post title comes from will win absolutely nothing.