Guns don’t kill people. Cats with guns kill people.

I took Telli to the vet Thursday. To make this part of the story a little shorter, she wasn’t eating. She’s never eaten much and I attributed it to everything from the heat to the move (I am still wildly in love with this apartment) to the fact that she’s just finicky. But when she didn’t eat anything Wednesday night, I got concerned. She hadn’t eaten a bite when I got home Thursday, so I got out her carrier and put it in the living room. Then I went to my room and she followed me, so I sat on the bed and she jumped up and twirled herself around me a few times. I sat still and when she stepped into my lap, I scooped her up and put her in the carrier. She will never trust me again.

She bit the vet tech immediately – not even a warning nip, like she usually gives me. No, this was war. The tech looked at me like I should be helping. Not on your life, sweetheart! They have a big sign: For your safety, please allow our staff to restrain your animal.

Another tech came in to help, but by then the fight was on and Telli was not going to be taken alive. They put a muzzle on her, which might have worked if Telli was a normal, domestic house cat, but apparently she is actually a very small cougar. The tech put a towel over Telli, but that didn’t stop her either. One of the techs left to get the veterinarian and the other looked at me, looked at the squirming, hissing, growling towel and then edged out of the room.

Wait a minute! You’re the professionals! You’re leaving a novice cat-owner (and a squeamish one at that) alone with a possessed cat – come back!! As soon as they left, Telli stopped the hissing and growling, but she didn’t stop fighting and I had to stop her from flipping backwards off the counter. She was still draped in the towel, but she bit at me anyway. She missed. Must be the first time ever.

The vet came in. The runaway tech came in, too, wearing a pair of thick gloves that went to her elbows. I would have laughed, but by that time I was getting upset because Telli was sooo freaked out. The instant they came in the room, Telli started struggling again. The tech was almost laying on the cat to hold her down – this 7lb cat was kicking the asses of three adult-sized humans. As scared as I was (and I’ve seen her flip out, but never like this), I had to admire the determination in her. “Yeah, that’s MY cat!”

While the vet was trying to get a heart rate, the tech was holding Telli down. Telli was having none of it and was trying to scratch the vet’s face off with her back feet. She fought so hard she got the muzzle off. The tech said to the vet, very calmly, “Could you try to hurry? She’s gotten the muzzle off and she’s biting me. Through the towel. Through the gloves.” Go, Telli! By that time, I was cheering for her despite the fact that getting the exam was in the cat’s best interest.

The vet finally gave up and told me they couldn’t do the exam. I couldn’t blame them – there was just no way Telli was going to hold still for one nano-second. She said that Telli’s heart sounded good. She also said, “Susie got a good look in her mouth – several times – and her teeth look okay.” That got a smile out of me, but only a small one. She told me I could take Telli home and see if whatever it was cured itself – or they could sedate her and do some blood work. I opted for sedation and an exam – I couldn’t traumatize the poor little beast twice.

Turns out she has what might be a viral infection – or maybe not. They aren’t really sure. She did have worms. Yuck. The vet asked me several times if I let Telli go outside – no, I do not. I lived in a bad neighborhood with evil, punk kids. So they aren’t sure how she got the worms, but they’re gone now. The vet gave me a liquid vitamin supplement to help boost Telli’s appetite. I asked her if she really thought I would be able to squirt .8 cc’s into Telli’s mouth twice a day. She laughed and told me I could mix it in her food if I couldn’t give it to her orally.

The problem is, Telli is picky. If I put it in her food, she might not eat it. As I was leaving, I noticed another tech who was squirting something into a cat’s mouth right at the counter, while the owner held the cat. I asked if I could bring Telli back and have them do it, if I couldn’t manage it. That tech said yes, but as I asked the question, one of the techs who had fought Telli earlier heard it. She said, “There is no way we could do that. We’d have to sedate her every time.” I was afraid of that.

When I got home yesterday, she had eaten most of her food. I fed her again and she ate a little but then wandered off. No. Noooo. EAT!

This morning when I got up, her food bowl was licked clean. I can’t remember the last time that happened – if ever.

I’ve got my obnoxious, adorable, head-butting, sweet, snarky, wonderful little cat back.