A representative from University of Phoenix called me yesterday and now I’m confused again. She told me that now the school is offering an Associates Degree program that they did not have when I first talked to them. The original plan was to get my associates at Vatterott and then transfer to U of P for the bachelor’s. In the meantime, I would have all my certifications and could use Vatterott’s job placement program to make my career change.

So I made a list of all the pros and cons for each school and I think choice is clear. I still have a few questions but I think that Phoenix has more of what I want, at a pace I can handle, for less money. I like it when things are neatly wrapped up, no loose ends. So there.Speaking of loose ends, I have one more issue to work out on these pages. I will try to do it in a way that does not identify or embarrass anyone, including myself. As a result, this might not make a lot of sense to you – but it does to me, and this blog and this post in particular is for me. In an earlier post, I described a situation that has bothered me for almost two years. Last weekend, I got a phone call from that person. I was stunned and overwhelmed and I made concessions I should not have made.For reasons that would be too boring to go into here, whenever there is a problem or confrontation, I always let the other person (or people) involved off the hook entirely. I not only take the blame for my part in things, but I take all the blame and/or responsibility. My buzz words are: It’s okay. No problem. It’s no big deal. This last year has been incredible. I am finally free of demons that have haunted me for decades. My life is going forward at an amazing pace and I am content, if not completely happy.

As far as the way the friendship came to an abrupt halt, it’s not okay, it is a problem and it is a big deal to me. I had finally put it out of my mind. I focused on what I could learn from the situation and I moved forward with my life. And that was when my phone rang. Why now? In fact, after all this time, why even bother? Why don’t I get a voice in how (or if) our friendship continues? Why am I not allowed to call because she might be uncomfortable with that? Why is her fear dictating my actions? There are things I cannot know – and until I can know them, nothing will change. I am not willing to go backwards, nor am I willing to accept conditions on my time or my feelings.

I didn’t learn how to swim by sticking my toe in the water. I didn’t tell the pool that if I gulped some water, I would have to get out – I learned to hold my breath while I was swimming. The water itself was neither friend nor foe – it simply existed. What I chose to do – drown or swim or stay away altogether – was my choice. I was afraid to jump in, but I closed my eyes and did it anyway because I wanted to swim more than I wanted to sit at the edge of the pool. I did not trust that the water would not drown me – I trusted myself to float, and then to swim.

I am the water.

Advertisements