Before you dive in, I must warn you that this post will not be interesting unless you know me personally – and know me very well.
When I told my sister about this blog I mentioned that I did not know if I wanted it to be personal – and if so, how personal. She answered, “The more personal, the better.” Then I explained that I didn’t want it to read like “I went to work and everyone annoyed me, then I had a nice dinner with my mother and then I watched television.” She told me that wasn’t personal; it was a daily activity log. Excellent point. So this will be quite personal and all about a subject I have avoided since I began this blog. Still want to know what I’m talking about? Proceed if you dare.
“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.”
(I will cite the source only as Page 449, as a matter of privacy. If you recognize it, you know where it came from; if not, it doesn’t matter)
Accept: 1. To take (what is offered or given) 2. Receive (something) willingly.
Webster’s New World Dictionary, College Edition 1958
I thought about that willingly business a lot today. Actually, I’ve been thinking about it for months, just not directly. Despite my Capricorn roots, my thought processes are rarely direct and to the point.
Six hundred and fourteen days ago, my best friend stopped talking to me. No warning, no explanation, nothing. And I could not accept it, couldn’t even begin to get my mind around it. I wanted closure; I wanted an explanation (and an apology). I wanted things to be like they were. Except I know better than that. Once certain lines have been drawn, you can’t go back. Nothing lasts forever and nothing stays the same. And not all change is bad. Remember that nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. It’s just that sometimes I fail to appreciate Divine Timing.
Everyone dissociates now and then. Ever read a good book and can’t believe how much time passed when you put it down? Have you ever driven somewhere and couldn’t remember the drive – without being drunk? When I am confronted, I dissociate. I know what I’m saying when I say it, but I can’t remember it a day later. I might recall that there was an argument and the gist of it, but not the details. It’s like a blackout for me, a fugue state. There are entire blocks of my childhood that are simply gone, vanished into the ether. I developed it into an art form. Things were chaotic when I was a kid and it served me well to mentally blank out occasionally. As an adult, I think it is easier for me to forgive people because I simply can’t remember exactly what they did or said to piss me off. After a while, it fades out until it is gone. The problem with that is that I expect everyone else to do the same thing – and they don’t. It’s also an abandonment issue – if I don’t remember, I won’t be hurt and if I’m not hurt, I won’t have to leave or be abandoned.
Letting go of the past (or of people) is frightening because we don’t know what’s coming next. So we close our eyes and hang on until we’ve damaged whatever was good and pure about the situation. And then we wonder what happened, beat our breast and wail. I am where I am supposed to be at this exact moment. I am who I am supposed to be right now. The woman I want to be is growing inside me each day, with every passing minute. I can feel it; I can sense it. I don’t have to like my past – I am not proud of it. If I could go back to January 2000, I would not do it. I would not change anything because everything that has happened has brought me to this place in my life. Whatever pain I’ve suffered – whatever pain I’ve caused – had to happen in order for me to be at this juncture. And it’s a good place to be today.
Change happens, whether or not I am ready for it, whether or not I accept it.Song lyric of the day:
No his mind is not for rent
To any god or government
Always hopeful, yet discontent
He knows changes aren’t permanent
But change is…