Usually, if I’m not posting on the blog I am writing in a journal. This week, I’ve just been marinating my thoughts about stuff and then I baked them at 350 for two hours. The result is a gooey mess. I never claimed I could cook. And I never claimed I could sustain a decent metaphor, either.
RW always makes me think. Mostly he makes me laugh, but he always makes me think. Today he brought up the point that people have histories and pain and happiness and just stuff that happens to them and that none of this stuff is a good enough reason to make someone else feel like shit. At least, I think that was his point. My point goes along with his and that is that things continue to happen and that none of that stuff is a good enough reason to keep trying to make someone feel like shit.
Because I said I wouldn’t talk about this on the blog, I have to be vague. Even being vague, talking about it still makes me a liar. Oh, well. I’ve been called worse – I’ve been worse. This week I had an email discussion with someone about things that happened a long time ago – things that I’ve never even hinted at before on my blog; things that changed my life. A few things I’ve written here were misinterpreted and added to other stuff to make a semi-logical leap to the wrong conclusion. The erroneous conclusion doesn’t bother me because I know I will never change this person’s mind. I know the conclusion is not correct and I don’t need to defend myself anymore.
What jumped out at me through the entire process (and the only reason I’m bringing it up) is that, for once, I am not pushing the disagreement aside. One of the biggest lessons I’ve ever had to learn is that it is impossible to change other people and that I have to live with my past. It isn’t enough to pretend the past never happened or to sugarcoat it and pretend it was something other than what it was. There is no forgiveness here and no acceptance. Forgiveness is not mine to give (even to myself) and acceptance implies agreement, or worse, approval. Acknowledgment is the only thing within my power. I can acknowledge the past and learn to live with the consequences. By doing that I can truly move forward and see things more objectively. With acknowledgment, I can let it all go at last.
You’ve been talking in circles, since I’ve been able to cry.
There’s never been any reason, for never telling me why
“Never Been Any Reason”
~Head East
Dur..um…yeah, I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but my experience has been that some people want to rub the past in my face. I have grown and most importantly, CHANGED, so I do not allow people to rub the past in my face. I think some people do it because they have totally forgotten THEIR OWN past, you know, it’s easier to point out someone elses faults.
I don’t know if that was relevant to what you were talking about. But yes, I acknowledge my past.
I know it was vague – sorry about that. I think there comes a point where you just have to say, “This is what happened, this is what I did and I can’t change it, but it makes no sense to wallow in it, either.” You have to learn to live with it. I’ve done that – am still doing it – but I will not let other people continue to crucify me. I’m just not that kind of girl