Bring it.

When I was a kid, my sisters and brother would antagonize me and I’d charge, like a little bull. Then they’d put their hand on my head and hold me away. I fell for it a lot and it always infuriated me and I’d fight even harder and they’d laugh even louder, which made me angrier, which made them laugh … it was a vicious circle. Until I learned to stop falling for it. I learned to stop showing them that they were getting to me. And I learned to fight dirty. I was the youngest and the smallest, I did what I had to do. A lot of that involved tattling. If I couldn’t beat them, I’d get them in trouble. We got older and my brother stopped trying to kill me, but it took my sisters longer to get the idea.

One day JR and I were at war (and it was always a full-scale war, never a minor skirmish) and she had me against the wall choking me. A few days earlier, she had fallen off a friend’s trampoline and had a big cut on her arm (she still has the scar). I stopped trying to pry her hands off my neck and I raised up and smashed her arm with everything I had – right on that wound. She howled and dropped me. I ran.  JR never touched me again.

I don’t remember what started that particular fight, but I’m sure I was not totally innocent. I was a scrappy kid and I had a big mouth. There was chaos in that house until I was 16, which is when everyone had moved out and I finally had a room to myself.

That temper burned out a long time ago. I don’t like chaos and I don’t like to fight anymore. A friendly debate is one thing, but you won’t find me in an argument these days. It takes too much energy and I’m lazy. In fact, some people think I’m a pushover. Bosshole, for example, walked on me. She did it because she got away with it – because I allowed it. I allowed it because it was the path of least resistance – because I just didn’t want to be bothered. If she had ever done something truly outrageous, I would have stood up to her but I don’t think she ever realized that.

I still have a spine. It’s still stainless steel. If you push me too far, I’ll whip it out and beat you senseless with it. You can push and push and I won’t react but when you cross that line, it’s over.

Cisco? You’ve crossed that line, bitch. I refuse to be intimidated. I refuse to back down. I will not quit. You will not get the best of me. You will not defeat me. You won’t make me cry and you won’t make me doubt myself. I don’t care if I flunk 100 practice tests – I will not fail when it counts. You can pose any trick question you want and I will know that the correct answer is always the Cisco answer. I ain’t your bitch, bitch.

Phoenix? You think you cram so much into 5 weeks that I will have to choose between getting a good grade with you and passing the Cisco exam? Really? Hi, Phoenix. I’m Determined.  And I’m smarter than that.

Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d lay down and die? Oh no, not I.

You should have left me alone because now I’ve had it. You finally pissed me off and I’m about to kick both your asses.

It’s on.

 

skip the frying pan, throw me in the fire

Every time I sit down to write I think of a thousand other things I have to do. I clean the desk, feed the cat, check my DVR (the three movies I recorded a month ago are still unwatched and have not magically deleted themselves), read a gossip site (is Rob [Edward] in love with Kristen [Bella]?), check Facebook, play Mob Wars, read my email, defrost something for dinner, call my mother, surf the web, check my bank account (dwindling) and before I know it, it’s time for One Tree Hill (is Austin really dating Sophia, because he has a slight lisp and a weak chin. Their characters are dating and they aren’t very believable, either. Also, oddly enough, Austin’s character also lisps and has a weak chin).

I haven’t been working on the Nanowrimo thing, or doing much of anything except fretting about my future, which is rapidly approaching. And that’s boring to read about, scary to think about and hard to write about. I brood a lot. It’s what I do best.

Maybe writing about not writing will help me break the cycle and force me to face … myself. Eeek. In the meantime, I’ll tell you random stuff.

word tag

Words!

LunaNina makes a list. I copy the list. I post it here. I respond. You read it. You respond. I read your comments. Other people read your comments.  Everyone wins. We all live happily ever after.

The End.

1. Grace ::
2. Shower ::
3. Alice ::
4. Purple ::
5. Apartment ::
6. 3 ::
7. Car ::
8. Pregnant ::
9. Counselor ::
10. Discretion ::

I have been a fool for lesser things

There’s a new chapter of Risk over here. Thirteen chapters up, eleven more to go. The cool thing about this is that it’s inspiring me to continue to write. When I die, I will have a trunk full of stories and novels and I will be famous and if you’re still alive, you can say you knew me when I was just an obscure blogger. I know you’re looking forward to that.

I haven’t been working on Nanowrimo (although I will this week). I know where I’m going with it, but I had to figure out how I was going to get there. Probably I should have thought of that before I started writing, but I’m a last-minute, impulsive kind of girl.

I’ve also made a few more life decisions this weekend. I was supposed to start back with my Phoenix classes next week. I only have 39 credits left, just a little over a year and I hate to put it off again. But I have to start looking for a job because my mother will let me move in, but she will also make me leave Indy outside on the balcony. So. I’m going to bury myself in the Cisco world and try to take the exam in mid-December.

In other news, Jo AnnE (with an E!) had puppies a few weeks ago. Wait. Her dog had puppies.  MoC and I are going to see them in December, when they’ll be 7 or 8 weeks old. I think. If I did the math correctly. Anyway, they’re bundles of fun and I’ll take lots of pictures. If I time it right, the visit will be just after I’ve passed the exam – or just after I’ve flunked it. Either way, it will be time for a break.

I’ve stolen a picture Jo AnnE sent of the latest puppy pile:

6 years, 10 months, 2 weeks of muttering

… or week 354.

I should be studying, but I’m not. I should be writing my 50,000 word novel, but I’m not. I should be doing any number of constructive/productive things, but I’m not. I’m actually thinking of taking a nap and it’s only 9:30 am.

Let’s play a game. Maybe a round of Unconscious Mutterings will snap me out of it. Either that, or I’ll take a nap and have weird dreams about all the words in the list. If you answer before I go to sleep, maybe I’ll have weird dreams about all of your words. You could be famous.

1. Alarm ::
2. Guest ::
3. Worm ::
4. Puppies ::
5. Honor ::
6. No! ::
7. Stomach ::
8. Counter ::
9. Waffles ::
10. Plates ::